I may appear normal.....

.....but it is as though something profound has shifted inside of me since Summer's abduction and murder. I can't quite put my finger on just what it is that has changed, though.

Oh, I'm not thinking about it all so much now, though, still, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't mull over conflicting thoughts about what was done to Summer and by who and what will eventually happen to them.

....and just when I think I am doing alright, I go to church and see her three little ones with their Grandma Debbie (Summer's mother) and Grandpa Mike (Summer's father). Adam, Summer's boyfriend, comes with them most of the time, too. And the children just love him so.

This morning, little Kaylee....she's three.....was all wrapped up in Adam's arms as they sat in the pew toward the back of the sanctuary. I wondered if she longed for her mommy. If she ever wonders where her mommy and daddy are. My heart aches and wrenches inside of me for these little ones.

Little Alex.....he's 4 going on 5....looked so handsome in his new suit. He looks just like his daddy. Does he wonder where his daddy and mommy are?

His daddy will never see the outside of a jail or prison again, unless it is to be taken to court or another jail.

Mike, Summer's father, is in his late 60's and not in good health. You can see all of this taking such a toll on him. How I pray for him and for Debbie, as they care for these precious grandchildren.

I guess I am just grieving for all of them....for Summer, who is gone......for Adam, who had such hopes and dreams for his and Summer's future with these sweet babies.....for Alex, Kaylee and Alanna, wondering what their future will be like, taking comfort in knowing that they are loved and cared for beyond measure.

I've never experienced losing someone I am close to, in such an horrific way. And then for her to be murdered by people that I knew and spent time with. Maybe that is why I am finding it so difficult to move on. I don't know.

I am thankful that Ed let's me talk this out with him when I need to, sometimes at length, sometimes in short bursts, as thoughts come to me that I need to try to reason out, but there just doesn't seem to be any reason to any of it. So I am back to square one.

We went to church with Daniel, Erin and little Jaybug last night. Bro. David Baker opened the service and, oh, how his words ministered to me. He talked of the comfort of the Lord and how he knows every detail of what we are going through, our thoughts, our struggles. He took it all upon Himself at Calvary. The tears just flowed down my face. I really had to control myself so I didn't just turn into a blithering mess right there in the pew, but still the Lord did minister to me so.

I just have to "cast all of my care" upon Him, knowing that He knows all about it. He has all of the answers. He knows the beginning and the ending.

"I am trusting in Christ alone....."
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On a lighter note.......after Summer's funeral, which was a month ago, family and friends gathered back at the church for a wonderful meal. There was so much food!
I made a Pumpkin Torte and it was delicious and so easy to make. It was pictured on the front of a Taste of Home cookbook I have and I had been wanting to fix it and decided to this particular day. It was a hit.
Here is a picture of it I got at the website and also the recipe:

1 package (18-1/4 ounces) yellow cake mix
1 can (15 ounces) solid-pack pumpkin, divided
1/2 cup milk
4 eggs
1/3 cup canola oil
1-1/2 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice, divided
1 package (8 ounces) cream cheese, softened
1 cup confectioners' sugar
1 carton (16 ounces) frozen whipped topping, thawed
1/4 cup caramel ice cream topping
1/3 cup chopped pecans, toasted
Directions
In a large bowl, combine the cake mix, 1 cup pumpkin, milk, eggs, oil and 1 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice; beat on low speed for 30 seconds. Beat on medium for 2 minutes. Pour into two greased and floured 9-in. round baking pans.
Bake at 350° for 25-30 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. Cool for 10 minutes before removing from pans to wire racks to cool completely.
In a large bowl, beat the cream cheese until light and fluffy. Add the confectioners' sugar, and remaining pumpkin and pumpkin pie spice; beat until smooth. Fold in whipped topping.
Cut each cake horizontally into two layers. Place bottom layer on a serving plate; spread with a fourth of the filling. Repeat layers three times. Drizzle with caramel topping; sprinkle with pecans. Store in the refrigerator.
. Yield: 10-12 servings.
Nutrition Facts: 1 serving (1 slice) equals 528 calories, 28 g fat (14 g saturated fat), 93 mg cholesterol, 378 mg sodium, 61 g carbohydrate, 3 g fiber, 7 g protein.

Oh, and if you go to http://www.tasteofhome.com/ you will see that they are offering $5 subscriptions to four of their magazines through tomorrow, the 26th, for first-time subscribers! I signed up!! :-)
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And lastly.....Little Jaylon is growing by leaps and bounds! He is 2 years and 4 months old now. Of course, I take pictures of him doing anything and everything! :-)
Here is one of the latest AND cutest ones:

AND.......we found out YESTERDAY......on EASTER....that we are going to be grandparents AGAIN!
YES!! Daniel and Erin are having another baby!!! :-) There will be more details forthcoming!